Cauliflower with a Side of STDs
by RaineKitsune
Summary: Bakura confiscates a pamphlet from Ryou. With some “help” from Malik, he begins to wonder how healthy he really is… [BakuraxRyou On Hold]
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** Bakura confiscates a pamphlet from Ryou. With some "help" from Malik, he begins to wonder how healthy he really is… BakuraxRyou 

Yaoi-ish, established BakuraxRyou, perverseness, multi-chapter, OOCness…

**A/N:** Many thanks to my health teacher for inspiring me to write this fic. Ecs dee. …Right. So, thank to Hyuju for being my beta again. :) This is my first attempt at a multi-chapter BakuraxRyou fic, so any and all constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated.

**Written:** November 20, 2004

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**Cauliflower with a Side of STDs: Chapter 1**

Bakura quickly glanced toward the door as he heard his aibou coming in. "Ryou! Make me a sandwich!" he yelled from his position on the couch.

"Bakura…" Ryou said, attempting to add a threatening edge to his voice.

He managed to sound like he was going to cry.

Bakura lifted his head from its resting position on the arm of the couch and raised an eyebrow toward his hikari.

"…Chicken or ham?"

Bakura smirked in triumph. He could convince his hikari to do anything. Well, anything that didn't involve stealing. Or killing. Or anything to do with sharp objects, for that matter. "Chicken," he replied.

After setting his schoolbag down next to the couch, Ryou skipped merrily toward the kitchen in order to make his beloved yami's sandwich, only to fall into a large and mysterious black vortex. Suddenly, he landed on his bed, where chains suddenly came out and his clothes-

Or so Bakura wished.

In reality, Ryou made it safely to the kitchen.

Being the sneaky yami that he was, Bakura knew that Ryou would _never_ find out if he merely glanced inside the boy's schoolbag. And so, the very sneaky yami snuck a look inside his hikari's schoolbag. In other words, he grabbed his hikari's schoolbag and began to rummage through it, randomly throwing out seemingly useless papers.

"My trigonometry homework!" screamed Ryou as he walked back into the room and spotted his very sneaky yami tossing his homework from his bag.

"What? This?" Bakura asked, holding up a worksheet. "It's useless." And with that, he crumpled the paper into a ball and threw it over his shoulder.

"_Yami!_" Ryou yelled, thoroughly upset by this time. He quickly set down his yami's sandwich and ran over to his discarded trigonometry worksheet, doing his best to smooth it out. He gathered together the other various papers that his sneaky yami had so carelessly discarded and turned to face him. "_Bakura…_"

Bakura continued to rummage through Ryou's schoolbag and suddenly spotted something that his innocent hikari should not have. A brochure that started with the word 'sexually'. Taking it out and holding it up to show Ryou, he asked, "What the hell is this doing in here?" He quickly narrowed his eyes into a threatening manner. He then proceeded to stuff half of his sandwich into his mouth, ruining the effect of the glare.

Ryou quickly attempted to grab the pamphlet. "Give that-"

"Nuw," Bakura slurred, still attempting to swallow the sandwich. After finally gulping down the enormous amount of food that he had inhumanly shoved into his mouth, he began the interrogation of his seemingly innocent hikari. "Do you know what sex is?"

Ryou raised an eyebrow to the question.

"I'll take that as a no. You see hikari, when a person and another-"

"You tried to molest me on my way home from school last Wednesday. You pulled me into an alleyway and everything."

"-Then they get really excited-"

"We've been sleeping in the same bed for over six months."

"-So then the dominate person says, okay, so they says-"

"You started doing _things_ to me just last night. I could swear you were asleep though…"

"-And that's how you have sex."

"…"

"Any questions?"

"Give me back that pamphlet."

"That's not a question."

"Give it back!"

"No. It's my duty as your yami to protect you from things that say 'sexually'."

"It's from health class, Bakura! And it's not about sex; it's about sexually transmitted diseases, mainly… genital warts."

Bakura finally glanced down and read the full title. _Sexually Transmitted Diseases: Mainly… genital warts._ A frown found it's way onto Bakura's face. "It says 'sexually' _and _'genital'? And in just the title? You think you're getting this back? I think you think wrong." Bakura nodded to himself, deciding that his decision to protect his hikari from such vulgar words was indeed the right thing to do.

Ryou sighed and grabbed his schoolbag, stuffing his papers back inside. "Whatever, Bakura. Keep it if you want." With that said, Ryou stomped off toward his room. Upon reaching it, chains magically came out and bound him to the-

Or so Bakura wished.

In reality, after making it safely to his room, Bakura's hikari had simply sat down at his desk and begun to work on his crumpled trigonometry homework.

After scarfing down the other half of his sandwich and throwing the STD brochure down on a table, Bakura resumed his lying position on the couch and began to flip through the channels on the TV. He occasionally stopped on a channel for a few seconds if it looked interesting, but for the most part, television sucked at this time of day. No porn, not nearly enough cussing… No porn.

He finally threw down the remote in frustration. "But Betty! Just because I'm your father's mother's sister, it doesn't mean that I'm pregnant with your son's baby!" wailed the woman on TV.

Bakura frowned. Of course it would land on a 'soap opera', as Ryou had called it. Why it was called 'soap' instead of 'oh em gee wtf', he wasn't quite sure.

"Lisa! Can't you see that I love you? I did give birth to your unborn son's child, after all!" Sobbing ensued.

Sighing and shaking his head in shame, Bakura grabbed the remote and turned the television off. These kids with their bearing of their lover's unborn son's child… Back in his day, you'd bear that for a lover's unborn son without complaint. What was the world coming to?

Glancing around the room, he spotted the genital warts pamphlet. He shrugged and grabbed it. Anything that said 'sexually' had to be good. He opened it to the first page, titled "_Symptoms_". Skimming down the page, he read, "Itching…burning…"

A frown once again found it's way onto his face. His head had been itching lately. He'd talked it over with Ryou, and his hikari and reassured him that it was simply a case of dry scalp. He had said to use his 'dandruff control' shampoo, but there was no way the yami was going anywhere near his girly aibou's flower-scented shampoo. 'No burning though,' he thought to himself.

Bakura was startled out of his train of thought as he heard the phone ring. "Would you get that, Bakura?" Ryou yelled from his room.

The phone continued ringing as Bakura stared in disbelief in the direction of his hikari's room. This was _almost_ as bad as the time Ryou'd asked Bakura to dress himself. He wasn't ready for that kind of responsibility, dammit!

A very audible sigh came from Ryou as he stomped into the room and picked up the phone. "Hello?" he answered, his voice as polite as ever. "It's for you," he said, handing the phone to Bakura and stomping back to his room.

After staring down at the phone for a second or two, Bakura cautiously held it up to his ear.

"Bakura?" The yami immediately recognized the voice as that of Malik. He stood up and stuffed the STD pamphlet into his pocket.

"Quick, what's my birthday?" You never could be too sure about these 'phone' things. The person on the other end might secretly not be the person you think. The real person on the other end might also be secretly planning to kill you…in a very secretive manner, of course.

"…I'm bored. Wanna come over?" Malik had learned to keep phone conversations short when talking to the insane thief.

"Sure! Is there anything I should bring? Cookie dough? An apron so that we can bake cookies while I'm over there? Oh! How about some sprinkles for the cookies?!" Bakura asked enthusiastically, all suspicion having mysteriously disappeared.

"I'll see you in a bit then." A click on the other end signaled that the Egyptian boy had hung up.

"Alright then! Bye!" Bakura said into the phone. He quickly hung it up on the hook and threw a light jacket on. "Bye Ryou!" he yelled, opening the door. The lack of a reply told Bakura that his poor hikari was alone in his room, sobbing to himself in the corner because his beloved yami was leaving him for a few horrible hours. That or he didn't care. The former seemed more appealing to the yami, so with a nod of his head, he quickly left. The sooner he went, the sooner he would get back to his distressed aibou.

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**A/N:** So, there's the end of the first chapter. Reviews are appreciated and might motivate me to get the next chapter up sooner. So you should so totally review. Also, in case you didn't know, aibou means partner. I'm going to assume that everyone knows what yami and hikari mean though.


	2. Chapter 2

The summary and warnings can be found in the first chapter.

**A/N:** Sorry that it took so long to get this chapter out. If it hadn't been for the snow day today, it probably would've taken another week for me to write it. Anyway, thank you for all of the reviews! They made me feel so happy! I'll really try to get the third chapter out faster than this one.

Thanks again to my wonderful beta, Hyuju! :)

Also, _-----_ means that there's a time lapse, while the longer lines just separate the story from the notes…

**Written:** January 11, 2005

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**Cauliflower with a Side of STDs: Chapter 2**

"I'll be right back," Malik said as he jumped up and walked to the bathroom. He and his white-haired friend had been watching a movie on TV when the urge to relieve his bladder had become so great that he had finally given in and decided to oblige to his body's wishes. Hopefully the idiot wouldn't cause too much trouble while he was away…

Bakura frowned as he heard the sudden rumbling of his hungry stomach. It had been four hours _to the second_ since his beloved light side had come home and made him that delicious sandwich, and by now, his stomach was ready for more. Now that the blonde-haired _creep_ had left to use the bathroom, he had time enough to find some food.

The yami smiled to himself as he raided his friend's, or rather, the "creep's" refrigerator and took out anything that caught his eye. From octopus to hot peppers to ground coffee beans, the yami piled everything he wanted onto the nearby counter. When he finally finished, he found himself with a new dilemma. To add to his growing hunger, he now had to choose what to eat first…

Spotting one of those odd appliances that everyone owned now a days, Bakura had a sudden idea, and a good one if he did say so himself! And he did. "What a good idea I have!" he exclaimed, his complete joy written clearly on his face.

It was one of those "blender" things, right? Opening the new-fangled appliance, he stuck a few of everything inside, quickly cramming it in and closing the door on it when he was done.

He'd better hurry now! Malik would be so surprised to see what a terrific idea Bakura had had. Surely the teen would lavish him with praise and shiny objects when he saw!

The yami quickly pushed a few buttons. Finally, the machine started and he watched as the food inside slowly spun around and around…

"What the hell are you doing!?!?"

Ah, yes… Malik. Back from peeing and ready to rain praise upon the intelligent little yami! Bakura plastered a large grin on his face, proud of his accomplishment.

"You idiot!"

Wait! That wasn't praise!

The Egyptian teenager ran over and quickly turned off the "blender".

"What's your problem?" Bakura asked, raising an eyebrow.

"What's _your_ problem? You don't just shove random things into the microwave! It could've blown up!"

"Oh… Yeah! Necrowabe… Sorry about that. At least you have clean food now," the yami responded, shrugging the mishap off. It wasn't _his_ fault. It was all of these lazy kids' fault! Why, in his day, they washed their clothes in the river, and they were happy to do so!

It was now Malik's turn to raise an eyebrow at the yami's odd response. "Let's just…go watch TV."

The two headed back to the living room, Bakura deciding to ignore his stomach for now. His darling aibou had probably prepared him a feast to celebrate his return anyway. He needed to be extra hungry so that he could eat heartily and please his woman. Or man. Whatever.

Plopping back down onto the couch, Bakura grabbed the remote and turned the volume up on the movie that the two had been watching. If there was one thingamabob that he had learned how to use, it was the "television".

Dang! He'd missed the last zombie attack and now had to endure the long make-out scene until the next one. Hearing a sigh from beside him, Bakura turned his head to look at the blonde. It looked almost as if…he was enjoying it! When Ryou watched these types of movies with Bakura, he always got those looks during the love scenes!

"I'd think you were gay if I didn't know any better," the yami stated, turning the volume up again as another action scene came on.

Malik whipped his head up at his friend's words. "Me? Gay? How could you imply such a thing!?" the teen yelled, an appalled look overcoming his face.

"So you _are_ gay!" Bakura accused, whipping his head back to stare accusingly at Malik.

"No!"

"Aha! More denial! That proves it! You're gay, Malik!"

"But that's not fair! I'm really not gay!"

"See!?! What did I tell you? Denial equals gay! GAY!"

"Fine! So what if I am!?!"

"…"

"…"

An uncomfortable silence hung in the air as the two stared at each other.

"Yeah, maybe you're right. I don't think you are gay," Bakura finally said, turning back to watch the movie.

Completely confused, Malik starred at the yami for a few moments before turning back to watch the movie as well. He might not be the brightest of all people, but the friendship worked well enough. Or something.

_-----_

_Wham!_ Another zombie's head went flying as the guy shot into the mob of them.

Bakura stretched and yawned as he watched a few more zombies get their heads blown off. How long was this movie? They'd been watching it for _at least_ another three hours now…

His back ached, his stomach growled with the intensity of _two_ hungry chipmunks after they woke up from hibernation, and his eyes burned like heck…

Holy crap! Burning?! Maybe…he did have the disease! He felt so unclean… So vile and dirty!

"Malik…"

"What?" the blonde asked through a yawn.

"I feel so unclean! So… So vile and dirty!"

The addressed teenager raised an eyebrow in question.

"I think I have genital warts."

"…"

"Am I going to die?"

"…"

"_Well_?!?"

"Shut up."

"So you don't believe me, huh? Is that it? I'll prove it to you!"

The yami quickly stood up. Malik closed his eyes. God, he didn't want to see _that_!

…Or _did_ he…?

No. He really didn't.

"See! SEE!?!"

"God, Bakura! Put your pants back on!" Malik yelled, keeping his eyes tightly shut.

…Or _were_ they…?

Yeah. He did.

Bakura raised an eyebrow to his friend's command. Pants? He was wearing pants!

…Wasn't he…?

Yep. He was.

The yami took the pamphlet that he had taken out of his back pocket and shoved it into Malik's hand. The blonde peeked an eye open and sighed in relief as he noticed that Bakura was wearing pants. But hey! Where had his shirt gone!?!

Malik shrugged it off and looked down at the brochure that Bakura had shoved into his hand. _Sexually Transmitted Diseases: Mainly…genital warts._ What the-??? Why didn't they just title it _Genital Warts_? It seemed like it would save a lot of ink…

"What's the point of this?" Malik asked.

Bakura sighed and opened the pamphlet to the first page. "There. See?" Bakura said, pointing to the page.

"See what?"

God, this kid really was an idiot, wasn't he? Bakura again sighed, explaining his problem to the moron. The itching of the head, the burning of the eyes… He poured his soul out to Malik.

"Bakura…"

"Yes?"

"The itching and burning has to be…down there. And besides, if you had read this whole thing, you'd see that it says that you usually have cauliflower-like warts…down there."

"Down where? My feet?"

"You're an idiot and it's late. Go home," Malik said, throwing the pamphlet back at the white-haired lunatic.

"…'Kay then. Bye!" Bakura waved at his friend as he walked to the door and left. His poor, girly aibou's feast was probably cold by now.

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**A/N:** As always, reviews are greatly appreciated!


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